In My Dreams

In My Dreams

I heard you last night in my dreams

now the only realm you exist in.

Your meek, gentle, kind nature graces me there.

I wish I understood the depth of your presence

then like I do today.

I listened to your screams like I use to

when even my hands could not protect my ears.

All these years and I still cannot save you

not even in my dreams.

My heart now tells me that my effort to save you

was in fact the very reason for the continued life

of such grotesque cruel acts committed upon you.

The world is an unholy place.

It grows more powerful when able to steal

from the innocent our inherent strength

our purity; our trust; our peace, our ability to love.

How is it possible that so much evil in so many forms

manages to locate a single target?

Do we send out the silent message

"here I am, please do with me as you wish?"

I thought you were dead....I really thought you were dead...

deaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddead

I was too afraid to let loose the ties that bind, literally.

I was afraid to go near you at all.

Oh.......my.......god..........I'm so sorry

I could deny the blame by saying it was Becky's fault.

Never ask a five year old something

if you do not want to hear the truth.

Better yet, maybe we should learn

how to lie at an earlier age.

It is so........?.....to now firmly believe

that you should have died up there.

Believing I interfered with an attempt to.....?........

rescue you?

Who would have been the kind heart behind

such an attempt to take you away from such a fowl existence?

Surely not some....so called God!

It is said that love and hate cannot reside within

at the same time.

If this is true than it isn't impossible

for a "God" to be both loving and evil at once.

So therefore God...is evil!

What other logic is there to explain what you endured?

They never once accomplished easing my mind, my heart, my soul

by assuring me I did the "right" thing.

What do they know....not a single fucking one of them

heard your cries.....laid eyes upon your battle wounds

that now leave scars where others cannot see...

listened to your tiny voice saying "I wished I was dead"

Tell me....what the fuck could they possibly know!

Do you hate me now?

Do you live our life now believing you don't need me anymore?

My heart cannot live with that thought.

I imagine you and I......digging in the dirt together.

I dream of us dancing to the music

that played on my old 60's portable record player.

Those "groovy" 45's that our eyes would try to follow

Spinning around and around.

Getting dizzy and falling down was pretty cool...wasn't it?

The kitchen filled with tales of roll n roll and dancing feet.

There is where I choose to remember you.

Yet still I have to fight the pervading echoes.

They are an undeniable part of those precious times.

Fantasy is far more comforting than fact.

Maybe i will dream of a better future

for us both, together....again.